He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
