I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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