Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
