OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
