Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
