my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
