So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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