ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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