if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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