I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
