He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
