u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
