You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
