Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
