You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
