I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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