Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
