yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
