I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
