ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
