I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
