Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
