I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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