I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
