I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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