how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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