dude i'm inner monologue high
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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