youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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