Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
