Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
