Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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