I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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