My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
