how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
