Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
