did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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