let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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