Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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