This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
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Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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