It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
