I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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