I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
