You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
