I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
