dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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