he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
