I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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