There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
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