the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
