I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
