Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
