..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
