Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
