Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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