I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
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getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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