You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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