I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
