I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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