Your dad touched me again.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
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