just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
