I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.